what it takes to be a (male?) cult leader
*[This is day #8 (and #9?) of my 30-day microblogging challenge. WARNING: lots of rambling ahead *
I recently read Lydia Laurenson’s “an inside view into Leverage Research 1.0”, a fascinating account of the rise and fall of a proto-EA organization (I highly recommended if you’re active in EA/rationalist communities). In it, the author mentions:
“She says that, as part of the effort to not become a cult, they watched and re-watched a classic YouTube video titled “How to Start a Cult.” They also watched the 2011 documentary Kūmāré, which is about an Indian-American filmmaker who decided to impersonate a wise guru hoping to demonstrate that cults are fake, but who thereby accidentally created a close-knit spiritually flavored group, whose members found it meaningful and helpful."
Since yesterday was my last day at CEEALAR (“the EA Hotel”), I thought it would be a fun activity to host a watch party for these (which I endearingly called “the Anti-Cult Cult Club”).
I plan to write a separate piece on the similarities and differences I see between the cult parodied in the first video and the EA community, but for today’s microblog, I’ll focus on Kumare.
Kumare
To be honest, I wasn’t fully convinced that it wasn’t one of those typical American shows where they pay actors to pretend to be “unaware civilians” (AFAIK this is how most “live shows” work), but I’ll give the producers the benefit of the doubt.
Assuming that the trick worked, here are some thoughts:
Obvious TL;DR: that these groups seem to attract certain personality types, as well as people who feel lost or in need of validation or permission. The guru/cult leader dynamic essentially caters to people’s need for safety, validation, support, and community. It also fulfills the need for rituals, which can provide stability and a sense of connection with others, and sometimes a “higher self”.
Yet one has to also wonder how much his unique physique (I would guess he’s over six feet tall/+1.90m, with a broad frame), attractiveness (three women at the watch party agreed he was hot in non-guru clothes) and the two hot female (fake) “disciples” contributed to the effect.
I mean, I think if a two-meter-tall Aquaman-looking dude with a very grounded, gentle vibe showed up looking at people in the eye, asking to hear all about their problems and worries, while offering reassurance, it would be hard for any troubled woman or man to not feel at least a little drawn in.
IRL case study from an old friend
This led to reflect on an old friend of mine, who fit this description somewhat. He didn’t have guru clothes or a beard, but he had long hair and a mildly exotic look (often described as “viking”).
He had one of the most grounded energies I have even seen. He was deeply into meditation, inner work and all that sort of stuff (albeit from a very rational and “stoic” perspective), but was also extremely disciplined when it came to work and fitness, and had some gained some objective traction as an entrepreneur. I was always surprised by how often other men seemed to pay deference to him.
In a way, I guess this acted as a signal that others would interpret as “He’s figured life out. He has his sh*t together. He must have the answers I’m looking for.”
He wasn’t afraid to be emotionally open and vulnerable, and he’d create the space for others to do the same. He listened, offered advice, and provided reassurance. He was warm and embracing, like a dad or uncle, yet also simultaneously stoic and distant.
I felt like I understood the situation much better after I learned that he had spent his teenage years at a boys' boarding school. I don’t know much about male-male dynamics, but he seemed to understand what was required in a leader-mentor role, and he learned into it. Many sought answers from him, and in him.*
(He was obviously also very popular with the ladies, which probably contributed to the effect.)
Overall, I think he had a gravitational effect on the people around him, and one that would leave a lasting impact on people’s lives. The kind of “mythical figure” that briefly enters your life to teach you a lesson then disappears into the ether.
I personally had forgotten about him for a long while, and yet, upon deeper reflection, I could trace many changes in my perspective, approach to life, and attitude towards emotions, meditation, and “inner work” stuff to his brief appearance in my life, even though our lives intertwined for just a few months. Throughout that time, I mocked his seriousness about these “hippie” things, although ultimately I was willing to give them a try, since other friends we had in common, whom I respected intellectually, also had an affinity for them. A year and a half later, I found myself doing a few hour-long meditation sessions, reading meditation books, and looking up Vipassana retreats (which I’d still be very curious to try! I’d love to hear your experience if you’ve attended one).
…Conclusion?
Anyway, I have hit 1,000 words, which is way over what I intended for this “microblog” post, and I need to wrap up this piece, so I’ll leave here the last paragraph I had written originally before my last personal reflection, which will probably be the TL;DR most readers are looking for:
It would seem to me that, at least for men, a highly optimal combination of traits to unlock the smoothest possible social experience is probably having an imposing (or admirable) physique, very high emotional intelligence, having one’s sh*t together (feeling confident, grounded, and calm – a.k.a having a “regulated nervous system”), and having crazy discipline.
*(This also sparked many reflections on the hierarchical nature of men. I would love to hear some first-person male experiences with the feeling of "needing a savior". This is very common among women, who are socialized to be somewhat helpless, or at least don't face nearly as much social penalization for it).*